"Mom, Kill Me"

By Mommy Donna and Kib - March 06, 2018

Yes, you read it right.  This is not a click-bait blogpost.  At first, I just wanted to keep this to myself and resolve it between me and my son, but I guess due to the increasing number of suicide cases, I believe I also have to tell others about my experience so that you may also be aware that no matter how closely you monitor your child, they will still entertain these kinds of thoughts and you might get the shock of your life that one day, they made it into a reality.

I always describe on my blog the kind of relationship I have with my son.  We are inseparable, we always do things together, we go places together.  Now that he is nearing adolescence, his behavior changes.  Sometimes he would tell me that he doesn't want to go out with me anymore and he would voice out his opinions on something as if he is in control which sometimes irks me.  He is now exercising his independence more and more.

Honestly, it's bittersweet for me that I'll have a teenager in few years.  I know that I am raising my son well but at the same time, I am a bit scared of the external influences that he might get when he exercises his independence more and more.

Recently, I observed that Kib is very sensitive when we always pinpoint his misbehavior.  He would have self-pity, blaming himself for bringing misfortunes in our lives and would cry incessantly until he falls asleep.

One day, his lola was teaching him how to clean up our dog's poop and pee.  Kib wasn't doing it properly and his lola got mad at him.  Kib felt bad about it that he said that he wasn't doing anything good for the family.  He asked me to kill him so that I would give him back to the Lord.  I didn't take his request seriously because I know that he only said it because he is hurting.  But after few minutes he went upstairs and wrote something on the paper and took his bottle of multivitamins because he want to overdose himself.

THAT made me worried big time.  He already thought of suicide.  He also has a matching letter with it.  While I know that he won't die taking multivitamins, but I just wondered where he got the idea of taking medicines at higher doses can kill him.

When he already pacified himself, I talked to him about it.  I asked him why he thought of suicide.  I also made him realize the consequences of suicide.  I didn't show anger nor anxiety while talking to him.  I kept my cool and talked to him just like a friend.  I reminded him not to do it again.

I kept the letter but I won't post it here to give my son privacy.  It'll serve as a reminder for me that even if we already talked about it there will come a time that he will entertain that idea again.  I have to always cover my son in prayer so that he will have the power to resist those kinds of thoughts and that he will always rely to God whenever he feels sad.

Parents, may the story of my son be a reminder that no matter how close we are to our children, due to the influence of social media, technology, and other external forces, they will still entertain some negative thoughts and actions that will put them in compromising situations and will shake up their beliefs and principles.  We must always cover them in prayer and always surround them with God-fearing people who will also pray for our children. 

Our children can make their own decisions.  What we can do is to guide them so that they will always do the right thing and to always remind them of God's love and whenever they need to decide on something, they should learn how to seek God's wisdom.

"Lord, continue to shower me with patience, understanding and wisdom as I raise my son, Amen."

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  1. Oh Donna! Hugs. Yes, let us continue to cover our children in prayer. it's our weapon against the enemy who will try to hurt us where it hurts the most.

    1. Thanks May! Kids these days are easily swayed by media so we really need to always cover them in prayer. I just have to share this so that people would know that as young as 11 years old they can already think of suicide